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The Sayings of Mrs. Solomon
The Sayings of Mrs. Solomon / being the confessions of the seven hundredth wife as / revealed to Helen Rowland
GREETING
Hearken, my Daughter, and give ear unto my wisdom, that thou mayest understand man– his goings and his comings, his stayings out and his return in the morning, his words of honey and his ways of guile.
Beloved, question me not, whence I have learned of man, his secrets. Have I not known one man well? And verily, a woman need know but one man, in order to understand all men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them.
For men are of but one pattern, whereof thou needest but to discover the secret combination; but women are as the Yale lock– no two of them are alike.
Lo! What a paradox is man – even a puzzle which worketh backward!
He mistaketh a sweet scent for a sweet disposition, and a subtile sachet for a subtile mind.
He voweth, “I admire a discreet woman!” – and inviteth the froward blonde of the chorus to supper.
He muttereth unto his wife, “Lo! I will go unto the corner for a cigar” – and behold, he wandereth unto many corners and returneth by a circular route.
He kisseth the woman whom he loveth not, and avoideth her whom he loveth, lest his heart become entangled. Yea, he seeketh always the wrong woman that he may forget his heart’s desire.
Yet, whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the days of his life.
SELAH
BOOK OF HUSBANDS
CHAPTER ONE
Verily, my Daughter, an husband is a Good Thing. He giveth the house a “finished” look, even as a rubber plant and a door-plate.
He suggesteth ready-money, and is an adornment like unto a potted palm upon the piazza.
When he sitteth beside thee in the tabernacle, he is as a certificate of respectability; yea in the eyes of society, he is better than a written recommendation.
Verily, he is as necessary unto thy dinner table as a centerpiece, and more impressive than cut flowers and a butler in livery.
When he taketh thee abroad to dine, the waiter shall not lead thee into dim and draughty corners, but shall run nimbly and place thee in a choice spot within hearing of the music.
For a lone woman in a great restaurant looketh pitiful; but an husband looketh like a real tip.
When thou goest unto an hotel in his company, the clerk shall not offer thee a room upon the air-shaft; and the bell-boys shall answer thy ring with flying feet and a glad smile. For an husband is as good as much credit.
Yea, when thou goest forth to shop, saying “Send this thing to Mrs. Jones”, the clerk shall treat thee almost as an equal.
Women shall not gossip about thee, and men shall come unto thy teas with an easy mind, knowing thou canst have no designs upon them. Thy family shall call thee “settled”, and no woman shall call thee “Poor Thing!”
Therefore, I say unto thee, if thou findest thine husband less them thine ideal, weep not, but be of good cheer.