Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes
Harry Graham




Graham Harry

Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes





Dedicated to P. P



("Qui connait son sourire a connu le parfait.")

		I   NEED no Comments of the Press,
		No critic's cursory caress,
		No paragraphs my book to bless
		With praise, or ban with curses,
		So long as You, for whom I write,
		Whose single notice I invite,
		Are still sufficiently polite
		To smile upon my verses.

		If You should seek for Ruthless Rhymes
		(In memory of Western climes),
		And, for the sake of olden times,
		Obtain this new edition,
		You must not be surprised a bit,
		Nor even deem the act unfit,
		That I have dedicated it
		To You, without permission.

    P. T. O.[1 - Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means please turn over. This is retained in the text although the instruction is not necessary.]
		And if You chance to ask me why,
		It is sufficient, I reply,
		That You are You, and I am I, —
		To put the matter briefly.
		That I should dedicate to You
		Can only interest us two;
		The fact remains, then, that I do,
		Because I want to – chiefly.

		And if these verses can beguile
		From those grey eyes of yours a smile,
		You will have made it well worth while
		To seek your approbation;
		No further meed
		Of praise they need,
		But must succeed,
		And do indeed,
		If they but lead
		You on to read
		Beyond the Dedication.

    1901.
    H. G.



Author's Preface


		WITH guilty, conscience-stricken tears
		I offer up these rhymes of mine
		To children of maturer years
		(From Seventeen to Ninety-nine).
		A special solace may they be
		In days of second infancy.

		The frenzied mother who observes
		This volume in her offspring's hand,
		And trembles for the darling's nerves,
		Must please to clearly understand,
		If baby suffers by-and-bye
		The Artist is to blame, not I!

		But should the little brat survive,
		And fatten on the Ruthless Rhyme,
		To raise a Heartless Home and thrive
		Through a successful life of crime,
		The Artist hopes that you will see
		That I am to be thanked, not he!

    P. T. O.[2 - Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means please turn over. This is retained in the text although the instruction is not necessary.]
		Fond parent, you whose children are
		Of tender age (from two to eight),
		Pray keep this little volume far
		From reach of such, and relegate
		My verses to an upper shelf, —
		Where you may study them yourself.




Uncle Joe


		AN Angel bore dear Uncle Joe
		To rest beyond the stars.
		I miss him, oh! I miss him so, —
		He had such good cigars.




Impetuous Samuel


		SAM had spirits naught could check,
		And to-day, at breakfast, he
		Broke his baby sister's neck,
		So he shan't have jam for tea!




Inconsiderate Hannah


		NAUGHTY little Hannah said
		She could make her grandma whistle,
		So, that night, inside her bed
		Placed some nettles and a thistle.

		Though dear grandma quite infirm is,
		Heartless Hannah watched her settle,
		With her poor old epidermis
		Resting up against a nettle.

		Suddenly she reached the thistle!
		My! you should have heard her whistle!


…

		A successful plan was Hannah's,
		But I cannot praise her manners.




Aunt Eliza


		IN the drinking-well
		(Which the plumber built her)
		Aunt Eliza fell, —
		We must buy a filter.




Self-Sacrifice


		FATHER, chancing to chastise
		His indignant daughter Sue,
		Said, "I hope you realize
		That this hurts me more than you."

		Susan straightway ceased to roar.
		"If that's really true," said she,
		"I can stand a good deal more;
		Pray go on, and don't mind me."




La Course Interrompue



I

		JEAN qui allait a Dijon
		(Il montait en bicyclette)
		Rencontra un gros lion
		Qui se faisait la toilette.


II

		Voila Jean qui tombe a terre
		Et le lion le digère!


…

		Mon Dieu! Que c'est embêtant!
		Il me devait quatre francs.




John


		JOHN, across the broad Atlantic,
		Tried to navigate a barque,
		But he met an unromantic
		And extremely hungry shark.

		John (I blame his childhood's teachers)
		Thought to treat this as a lark,
		Ignorant of how these creatures
		Do delight to bite a barque.

		Said "This animal's a bore!" and,
		With a scornful sort of grin,
		Handled an adjacent oar and
		Chucked it underneath the chin.

		At this unexpected juncture
		Which he had not reckoned on,
		Mr. Shark he made a puncture
		In the barque – and then in John.

		Sad am I, and sore at thinking
		John had on some clothes of mine;
		I can almost see them shrinking,
		Washed repeatedly in brine.

		I shall never cease regretting
		That I lent my hat to him,
		For I fear a thorough wetting
		Cannot well improve the brim.

		Oh! to know a shark is browsing,
		Boldly, blandly on my boots!
		Coldly, cruelly carousing
		On the choicest of my suits!

		Creatures I regard with loathing
		Who can calmly take their fill
		Of one's Jæger underclothing: —
		Down, my aching heart, be still!




The Fond Father


		OF Baby I was very fond,
		She'd won her father's heart;
		So, when she fell into the pond,
		It gave me quite a start.




Necessity


		LATE last night I slew my wife,
		Stretched her on the parquet flooring;
		I was loath to take her life,
		But I had to stop her snoring.




Unselfishness


		ALL those who see my children say,
		"What sweet, what kind, what charming elves!"
		They are so thoughtful, too, for they
		Are always thinking of themselves.
		It must be ages since I ceased
		To wonder which I liked the least.

		Such is their generosity,




Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.


Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/graham-harry/ruthless-rhymes-for-heartless-homes/) на ЛитРес.

Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.



notes



1


Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means please turn over. This is retained in the text although the instruction is not necessary.




2


Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means please turn over. This is retained in the text although the instruction is not necessary.


